Rants,Raves and Ruminations

Traffic, in Beijing, China, is the grandest game of “Chicken” on the planet. Imagine , if you will, a situation where there are simply more cars than road. Toss in bicycles, pedestrians, motorcycle drivers, donkey carts, mopeds and motorized three-wheel rickshaws all competing for the same spot of pavement and you can sort imaging the scene. Having just spent two and half weeks in Beijing, this took a bit of getting used to. The first couple of days were spent essentially in a blind panic, fully expecting to be killed at any moment. Once I built up the resistance, I then went for the most terrifying Thrill Ride on the planet: sitting in the front seat of a Beijing taxi.

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One day early last week the taxi pulls over to the curb outside the Ghost Market. One of my colleagues opens the door on the sidewalk side of the cart and a rickshaw driver does a face plant into the open door. Apart from the surprise factor, what ensued next can only be described as a Monty Python sketch. The driver pulls himself off of the ground and accuses him of killing his bird. My colleague checks the bird cage on his back and there is no bird. He asks to see the dead bird , which started the inevitable Chinese argument between him, the driver the cab driver and the five or six people that happened to be listening in.

The guy was demanding about 500 RMB ( $6.00 Canadian) for killing his bird. The taxi driver was arguing about his door and the crowd, participating in a popular Chinese pastime, weighed in with a variety of differing opinions regarding whether he did indeed kill the “invisible bird” and whether the door was indeed damaged.
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Beijing is a city of markets. Want clothes? Go to the Silk Market. Want a cool piece of electronic gadgetry? Go to the Electronic market. On this particular day, I was looking for gadgetry and found my self deposited in front of the three office towers that make up the Electronic Market. Each tower is about 12 floors high and each “store” in the market gets a booth that is about 15 by 15 feet square.

The market is capitalism unleashed and capitalism in its rawest form. Hawkers and sales guys swarm anybody that looks like a “business man”. To them a businessman is anybody in the range of 40 to 60 who doesn’t look Chinese. The deals they push on you are amazing. You are plunked down on a seat, you argue, negotiate, yell, scream and so on in order to make these guys understand there is no way one will pay two to three times what a Chinese national will pay. The best part of this is both parties know it is a game but these guys just know in their bones that a “businessman” is stupid and will pay the full price.

I had settled on a particular camera and went to three shops to see how I would fare. I started the haggling by offering less than cost. They countered with less than “rip off”. I countered with just above cost. They countered with “simple extortion”. I countered with reasonable price. They countered with their “Rip off the local rube rate”. As you can see, it is a bit of dance and a price sticker in a market means nothing more than this is where the negotiation starts.

My price was 2100 RMB and each time I got it, smiles and handshakes all around. In one store, I didn’t want an extra memory card, battery and case and the camera was mysteriously out of stock. In another, “I am so sorry, I have just been informed the camera you have in your hands is a display model and I can’t sell it.”

The final shop was the best. I walked in, asked if they take VISA and their eyes lit up as if I had dumped a waist-high pile of gold on the floor. The negotiation started and finished with my agreeing to the camera, a memory card and them tossing in a case. I handed over the Visa card and what happened next was something I never expected.

“We don’t take Visa”, the man informed me.

“You just told me you take it”, I replied.

The guy stares at me intently and says, “We don’t take Visa because we don’t get our money.”

“Say what?”

“We get our money in two weeks. You go to the bank machine and get us the cash instead.”

There was no way I was going to do that. It was the principal of the whole thing. I refused. He packed up the camera and walked away.

Then it hit me… the revolution is over. Government is simply government. Captialism and communism can, indeed, coexist. Revolution for sale. Credit cards not accepted.

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Ming and I are having lunch at a small restaurant in the Beijing Silicon Valley and I ask for the receipt for our lunch. The waiter looks at me with aa “Are you that colossally stupid” look and just leaves.

Ming then explains the reason you don’t get receipts in restaurants and other places in Beijing is because that is how government taxes services. The restaurant has to use an “official” receipt which it has to pay for. No receipt. No tax paid.

Still the pot is somewhat sweetened for the customer. All receipts contain a “Scratch and Win” on the back. Match the numbers and your meal is free. Ming tells me that of the hundreds of millions of receipts handed out, no one has yet to win.

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There is a certain fatalism that runs through the Chinese.

After visiting the Ming Tombs the nine of us pile into a our van for the trip back to Beijing. I have a 4:30 flight home and considering it is 11:30 there is time to get back to where I am staying, grab my bags and still make the flight. About 20 minutes into the trip there is a muffled backfire and the van fills with smoke. We pull over to the side of a country road, pile out of the van and discover we have ring side seats to watching our van burn to the ground.

Traffic backs up for miles and about 25 minutes later the fire truck rolls up, the guys douse the van, pack up their hoses and leave. Next to arrive are the police. They take the accident report. Get in their car and leave. So nine of us of stranded in the middle of no where staring at a smoking hulk of rippled metal.

Next up. The fire department officials magically appear. Our driver jumps into their van and off he goes. By now we are sitting in an empty fruit stall wondering just what in hell we are supposed do.

It is at this point that a black car with tinted windows pulls up. The guy driving the car looks at us as if we don’t exist, goes over to the van to take a look and then comes over and demands our passports. Turns out this rather officious official is with the Foreign Affairs office of the local police and because we were foreign, we had obviously ruined his lunch. Out come the passports, the usual “Why are you burning our cars” discussion breaks out. Thorough examination of visas and passport photos occurs with a number of pointed questions and, when he is satisfied we didn’t torch the car, jumps into his car and drives off.

About 45 minutes later a police tow truck rolls up, the guy takes a look at the wreck, mutters some obscure Chinese curse, hops back into the truck and rolls off.

By now it is 4:00 p.m., I have missed my plane and who appears but our driver in a shiny, brand spanking new air conditioned white bus. We pile on the bus and about 45 minutes later we realize the mountains that are north of Beijing are becoming quite large. We ask what is with that and the guy driving the bus informs us, “I am taking you to the Great Wall which was our next stop once we dropped off a passenger and left the hotel.”

The Great Wall is a stunning tourist site and I learned, in China, you just chill and go with the flow.
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I am at the launch of a trendy “Fashion Photography and Fashion Studio", Tony Studio, in the heart Beijing’s fashionista district : SOHO. Our hosts move us right to the front of crush at the stage and I happen to start chatting with one of the most stunningly beautiful women I have met. She is quite intrigued that I am from Toronto and she informs me she is a film actress. At which point there is a roar, I look up and there were easily 100 Chinese papprazzi shooting away behind a phalanx of guys with massive biceps and no neck. The lady is demurely smiling and I am thinking, “This ain’t no ordinary actress”.

Just as I am thinking that some young 20 something in full “Hello Kitty” glory snakes her arm over my shoulder and she is clutching a cell phone. The phone is about 9 inches from the actress’s face and this young thing starts shooting pictures using the camera phone. It turns out my acquaintance was one of the hottest actresses in China and right beside her was the winner of the 2005 “Supergirl” competition.

Not sure if that is a big honor because the official name of the competition is the “Tibetan Cow Yogurt Supergirl.”

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There is a street just off the main shopping street- Wangfujing- that sells some really great food. Wasn’t really into eating deep fried scorpion, grasshopper on a skewer and other delicacies. Interesting cuisine, though.
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Beijing is both massive and ancient. It takes easily 45 minutes to get anywhere by cab… on a good day. Beijing is terribly proud that it will be hosting the 2008 Olympics and this has resulted in Beijing being transformed into the largest construction site on the planet earth. Just turn 360 degree anywhere in this city and you will immediately notice that almost every ten degrees, there is a construction crane. Our host told us the word has gone out those cranes have to be gone by the end of 2007. The odd thing about that is, knowing the character of the people, that will happen. Until then, only the rains keep the dust in the air to a manageable level.

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Took the subway to "Silicon Valley"and I hear karaoke coming my way. The door between the cars opens and this one-legged guy with a Karoke Center on his back and wearing a boom mike walks the length of the car singing an Elvis Presley song. This takes begging and "The King" to a whole new dimension.
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Posted over each urinal in the men’s room at CAFA are concise info graphics instructions telling you how to take a “whiz”. I raise this because, regardless of where you are in the world, nature does call. In China that call is the start of an adventure with facilities ranging from a hole in the floor to grand salons, depending on where you are. The Chinese, as only they can do, have taken this to a whole new dimension. Near the exit of the Summer Palace is a washroom. Affixed to the wall of that building is a shiny silver plaque declaring it to be a “Four Star Toilet”.